Some Truth About Loss, Again

Angie Warren // Addiction + Grief

The truth is I feel I don't have many words right now, at least nothing that I feel is particularly uplifting or lovely. The truth is I'm walking through a season of unexpected grief, I'm feeling things deeply, and trying so hard to process what life is to look like.

The truth is, I had just begun to see things clearly, I had found a great sense of joy, even after such a painful loss - and I was so glad to not be "that girl" anymore who was riddled with an aching, a painful and hollow hole.

I find myself now, struggling with what to say, if anything. Do I share this season as I did last time, or do I keep it quiet? Do I open myself up yet again, or do I put the laptop away?

Does this mean the girl with all the joy, the one who practices such gratitude in grief, does this mean that girl is gone, replaced with the remnants of someone who is growing far too comfortable holding the cremated remains of her loved ones?

I hope not. I surely hope not.

But for now, that is about what I have. For now, I'm the girl adding to my t-shirt collection of those I've lost, I'm the girl searching for voicemails, emails, text messages, in a desperate attempt to find a ground to stand on. I'm the girl looking with wide eyes, reaching out, grasping for some sun in the midst of what feels quite cloudy.

This life is still good. My children are healthy and make me smile. I spent the weekend with what is left of my family, both laughing and crying. I have a warm roof over my head. I hold those I love closer than ever.

In time, I'll find the joy again, I know that. Until then, I send all of my love and appreciation. A heart-felt thank you for your prayers and encouragement and simply walking along side of me, no matter where the road may go.

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Let Them Be Little

The days of diaper changes and cradle cap have passed for us. No longer do I search in the dark of night for a pacifier, or gather Gerber puffs from the floor of my car. I’m sleeping more these days, and that’s a plus. There is something about the longing to hold my babies again that still gets me at times. I want so much to let them be little, while still enjoying them as they grow.

Read the rest of the article over at Simple as That!

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Musings on Another Loss

Angie Warren // Grief + Addiction

Here's something I can tell you: grief manifests differently, wildly, unpredictably. This I thought I knew after losing my mom, this I now know for certain after the Davis family has gone from six to four.

I have spent the better part of six months expressing a great joy in life after loss - gratitude even. I've started my manuscript over again, saying farewell to 70k words because three weeks before my brother died I felt something in my gut tell me that wasn't the story.

Then SLAM.

Out of nowhere I'm faced with a challenge I never expected, I'm suddenly asking myself how does one say "there IS light after dark, there IS a great and wonderful JOY to be found after life becomes shattered" when suddenly my spring feels a bit more like a winter, again.

It's something I'm wrestling with (among many other difficult things) at present. I can say God is still a good God. I can say He's not left my side. I can say He knew from February 12, 1988 that my brother would live a short twenty-nine years. And I can say with all certainty that I now hold my family closer and tighter than I ever imagined possible.

If you've walked along side me for any amount of time, I pray you take one thing away: I pray you too know that in the midst of whatever winter you're in, you're not in it alone. It's not cliche, I'm not just spouting it. I'm living it. God is good, even in what feels like upheaval, and for that, I'm eternally grateful.

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When the Cactus Doesn't Bloom

Angie Warren // Addiction

Loving a drug addict is like hugging a cactus.

What happens though, if the cactus fails to flower? If the green of it loses color and no matter how much you water it, the cactus plant, dies?

What then? What are you to do, the cactus hugging addict lover?

I have asked myself this exact question many times since I originally wrote of the cactus. I've lived in great and debilitating fear of the tending of my precious cacti, that I wouldn't do it right, that I'd somehow fail at it.

I watered them from afar. I clipped, soiled, as best I could. I became in a way, just like them. Addicted. Addicted to the desire to save my plants.

As it turns out, there’s a bit of cactus in us all.

In the end, I lost a plant. A beautiful and lovely, jack of all trades, brave and adventurous, insanely funny plant - a pivotal part of my life, my first best friend, my partner in crime. I lost a cactus and now all I can think of is the emptiness that remains.

Grief upon grief upon grief. It is suffocating in a way I didn't experience the last time, and every part of me aches.

There is nothing we can do. Nothing in our power to save it, the plant. I am simply grateful that I always, without fail, saw the blooms. That I remembered to hug him, my cactus, though now it bleeds me out.

Hug yours, friends. Hug your plants and hug your people.

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Sad News to Share

Angie Warren // Addiction + Grief

Friends far and wide: It is with a very sad heart that I share the news of my brother's passing.

I am no stranger to grief and loss, but I've been absolutely blown away by how much it can hurt all over again.

Forgive the silence ahead as we process. Thank you.

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My Morning Basket: What I'm Reading in February

Full disclosure: I read multiple books at a time, which yes, seems a bit crazy, but they're all a variety of genres, so it balances out (that's how I rationalize it, anyhow, just nod with me).

My Morning Basket: What I'm Reading // Angie Warren

What is a Morning Basket?

I first learned of the Morning Basket idea from the homeschooling world. The basic thought is that you have a basket of books you begin your day with (read alouds, living books, memory work, etc). This thought hasn't clicked with my boys for homeschooling, but I have taken it upon myself to curate my own Morning Basket, and it's one of my favorite parts of the day.

I am not spending hefty amounts of time on each of these books, generally 10 minutes or so per book, depending on the morning, and I don't get to each every day. It's just the right amount of time to soak in something from each of them, and feel I'm giving myself a bit of pampering!

1. STREAMS IN THE DESERT

Growing up, I have such fond memories of waking early to find my mom in the corner of our couch, beside the yellow of a lamp, reading Streams in the Desert. Hers was an old and worn copy, brown, with the edges bent. I'm not sure why I never thought to read it myself until I came upon THIS version at my local Barnes & Noble. I soon grabbed it on Amazon and it has been a life changer. It's the greatest of both worlds, combining both devotions Cowman wrote, and it has been like a warm hug from Heaven, reading it each morning (and some evenings). This is what I start my day with no matter what else in the basket I get to, and I'm so grateful to have found it.

Grab your copy here.

 

2. TEACHING FROM REST

Oh this book. I've now read it, three times? It never fails to hug me in just the right ways. Sarah Mackenzie has put her heart to words, and in doing so, brings so much encouragement to the brand new AND seasoned homeschoolers. A part of my morning quiet time includes a few pages of this book. And without fail, it seems to be just the words I need to hear on that particular day.

Grab your copy here.

 

3. WHEN YOU EAT AT THE REFRIGERATOR PULL UP A CHAIR

This is one of my all-time favorite coffee table books. It has 50 small snippets from the brilliant Geneen Roth on self love and her amazing anti-diet mantra. I've read this book countless times, and each time, I pull something from it. I read one each morning (again note, most mornings), as a little boost for my day. Love me some Geneen, and again, these "chapters" are so small and easy to digest, just perfect for a Morning Basket.

Grab your copy here.

 

4. One thousand gifts devotional

I read the original book a few years ago, and was gifted this devotional after my mom passed away. The pieces aren't as small as some others, so I read just 1-2 per week. Again, like most, I find myself getting new things out of Ann's poetic words every time I open the book. I love the way she story-tells, and appreciate the movement of her words so.

Grab your copy here.

 

5. THE MEMOIR PROJECT

I am only about half way through this easy and insightful read, and I keep wishing I had found it AGES ago. So far, I feel I've been given just all the permission in the world to write my own story. I've pulled out the highlighter and sticky tabs for this one, and would highly recommend it to anyone even remotely interested in writing their own story.

Grab your copy here.

 

6. ALL THE PRETTY THINGS

This is the current memoir I'm reading, well, starting to read. I saw an interview with Edie in the Hope*Writers library and was so drawn to her, I immediately grabbed it. I think there may be a lot of similarities in our stories, and I'm really excited to dive into it!

Grab your copy here.

 


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