I sat down to dinner tonight with the family, and reached for my phone. My finger hovered over towards the left where my SOCIAL MEDIA apps are and, I remembered.
I deleted them.
And I was struck with a familiar feeling, an aching, a jagged, a gutting remembrance: I am in detox.
I walked away from social media, intending it to be permanent, in the winter of 2014. It would, in the end, last about five months. It was a decision spurred on by a hundred different things, and those first few days were nothing short of, weird.
I mean, weird. Detoxing from a digital addiction is one that you really feel. I mean, you feel it. Out of no where your habits change, you begin to find just how much time you spent doing that one thing, when you don't have it to do, anymore. But. You experience things more fully, un-reliant upon letting an entire world know your every move, it's a place and space that is so unrecognizable, most of my friends & family wouldn't dare consider going to.
And that's okay. I don't dare invite anyone on this journey. It's a very personal one, and for many social media is a key element to their business. I don't put anyone down for it.
For me, it just got to be too noisy. Again. I found myself obsessed with scrolling. Again. I began to find my anxiety heightening. Again. Conversations with my kids, husband, friends, were taking a backseat to the phone in my hand.
A G A I N.
And sitting down at dinner tonight, surrounded by my people, with nothing new to check, I began to realize, I'm here again. I'm back in that corner, fighting for my time and my family and my heart.
So with my apps deleted, all but Periscope, (one can make their own rules, yeah?) I'm reflective. I'm thinking of 100 thousand things I want to blog about. I'm looking at photos of my babies and seeing them with the eyes of a mother, a photo journalistic mama, who is shooting them for me and for them and not to hashtag or prove to any invisible account that I am someone.
Because I am. Someone. To a good Father, to an amazing husband, to three wild and crazy children, and to those friends and family I hold most dear.
I'm good enough, and I don't need a following to prove it.
I'm Angie, I'm detoxing from social media, but I'll be just fine.
PS how lovely is our green, green CA grass? We're quite enjoying it for the few weeks/months it will stick around.