"As I approach 50 it really doesn't matter in the big scope of things. I still don't know the outcome of my cancer treatments yet, but I realize more each day the things I wasted my time on and the things that don't matter. So, my dear friends and relatives, don't stress about the things that don't really matter. Let it go. Be the best you can be, today. That is really all you can do."
- my mom, on turning 50, written August, 2013
She never made it to 50. She died six weeks prior.
Today, we would have celebrated my mom's fifty-third birthday. Instead, we piled in the car with teal balloons, as has been our custom, notes tied to each string, to send off to Heaven.
Johnny Cash serenades us with his version of 'I'll Fly Away', and the dark of the skies seems fitting. We watch, eyes squinting to see, as each balloon rises, and I relax as the hope and peace begins to unfold in my children.
2/3 of them truly believe their notes will reach her, the other, a bit older now, simply opts to think of her and pray she's enjoying eternity.
The quote above always hits us a bit hard, as her birthday approaches, and this year, is the first year, I find more of my own peace. Today I've chosen simply to find gratitude in everything she's taught me. I've chosen to go back and read her words, swallowing them hole, though the lump remains in my throat.
"...the things I've wasted my time on and the things that don't matter."
Oh how my mama heart needed that today.
Thanks ma, for continuing to teach us, in life and in death, what truly matters most.
Missing you, Happy Birthday.