The truth is I feel I don't have many words right now, at least nothing that I feel is particularly uplifting or lovely. The truth is I'm walking through a season of unexpected grief, I'm feeling things deeply, and trying so hard to process what life is to look like.
The truth is, I had just begun to see things clearly, I had found a great sense of joy, even after such a painful loss - and I was so glad to not be "that girl" anymore who was riddled with an aching, a painful and hollow hole.
I find myself now, struggling with what to say, if anything. Do I share this season as I did last time, or do I keep it quiet? Do I open myself up yet again, or do I put the laptop away?
Does this mean the girl with all the joy, the one who practices such gratitude in grief, does this mean that girl is gone, replaced with the remnants of someone who is growing far too comfortable holding the cremated remains of her loved ones?
I hope not. I surely hope not.
But for now, that is about what I have. For now, I'm the girl adding to my t-shirt collection of those I've lost, I'm the girl searching for voicemails, emails, text messages, in a desperate attempt to find a ground to stand on. I'm the girl looking with wide eyes, reaching out, grasping for some sun in the midst of what feels quite cloudy.
This life is still good. My children are healthy and make me smile. I spent the weekend with what is left of my family, both laughing and crying. I have a warm roof over my head. I hold those I love closer than ever.
In time, I'll find the joy again, I know that. Until then, I send all of my love and appreciation. A heart-felt thank you for your prayers and encouragement and simply walking along side of me, no matter where the road may go.
